Forks
by jellycakes
Summary: Funny tale of the going ons in Forks. Just to clarify, i love all 4 books. This was only for amusement
1. Chapter 1

The Meadow

Falling out of my truck, i landed in a heap on the floor "Ouch" i muttered "Damn my human Bella feet" Edward was glaring at me.

"Bella you absurd little twat, get up now, I don't have all day" He was walking off before i could find my feet again. My ankle was sore but i refused to admit to it, i was eager to find out where we were going. "Oh for goodness sake" he growled, grabbing my arm "Get on my whitey back, ill run with you" I clambered on, fixing my legs around his waist. His spicy smell was burning my nostrils, i loved it. I placed my nose on his neck, taking a long deep breath.

"Mmm, you reek so good" I whispered. Taking off at top speed we flew through the forest, branches whipping my face like i wished Edward would. His back was so hard i felt like i was hugging the slab on Charlie's porch. It only felt like it had been a few seconds since he had started to run but already we were slowing, his pace more Billy Black's like than anything.

"We're here?" i asked, squinting my eyes to get a good look ahead.

"Yes, we're at the meadow" Edward answered, pulling me off his back and placing me on the ground.

"The meadow?" I giggled, what a joke. Like id never seen a field before.

"Bella.this meadow means alot to me, i ripped up my very first tree here, play nice" Who have a shit about his tree ripping, honestly. I was glad as i had been many times that he couldn't read my thoughts. I thoroughly enjoyed dissing and laughing to myself over all the rubbish he came out with. "Come" he said, walking ahead. Stepping into the light Edward started to scream, a high pitched girl scream. What a vagina. "Esme was so wrong!" he yelled jumping back into the shadows "We don't glitter in the sunlight. Her and her outrageous ideas. She should accept we are monsters!! That burnt my bronze locks"

"What do you mean _monsters_?!" I crocked. My head was telling me to turn and run but my heart wanted to stay. Stay and hear his tale.

"I'm a vampire Bella" Edward announced calmly "Didn't you realize?"

"No but i don't care, id rather DIE than stay away from you. A vampire? That's so sexy Edward, take me now! Right in this field"

"Its a meadow and no i will not do that. My marble penis would smash your fanny up" I blushed at his word choice. How could he say such things aloud. "Sorry but its the truth. I'm just so strong. Here watch me in action" he almost yelled, crouching to the ground pulling up clumps of grass as he rolled through it. He stopped infront of a massive pine tree and grabbed at the trunk with his slabby snow hands. A great tearing noise echoed all around me, Edward was holding the tree above his head, some squirrel nuts bouncing of his shoulders.

"OMG, that's amazing! You're a right braw beast!" Throwing the tree away he raced over to my side, fury all over his face.

"Braw beast!? What if im not the hero..what if..I'm the bad guy?"

"So? I can deal with that. Id be a vampire for you Edward and i know how to tempt you" Slicing my finger on a rock and shoved it in his face.

"BELLA NO!" he roared as Jasper dived through the trees. Growling fiercely he came straight at me.

"I SMELT BLOOD, GIVE ME BLOOD" he yelled. Edward pounced on him, knocking him sideways. I wasn't sure where it was coming from but i heard a booming laugh and out of nowhere it seemed, Emmett's 4x4 crashed into Jasper throwing him into some bushes.

"That Jasper" Emmett started, laughing loudly "He just doesn't know when to say no. Ill be off now. See you later Eddy, Bella" It all happened so quickly, my body couldn't keep up. The fright along with the adrenaline rush forced a loud fart to pop out my behind.

"Bella my love, are you okay!?" Edwards asked quickly, rushing to pull me up. Oh no, he was sure to smell it and he would definitely know my brand. Sniffing the air his nose screwed up " What is that ghastly smell?! Its truly awful. I'm sorry you have to smell that. Emmett's car must have a gas spill" Phew.

"Never mind about that now. Can you take me to La Push. I want to see Jacob now. I've had enough of you for today"

"Okay Bella, anything you want" The Volvo was so fast it came off the tarmac and flew to Jacobs house.

"Ill see you later in my room okay?" I said stepping out the Volvo. Yeah, later in my room where I would be pretending dry humping was satisfying. It drove me crazy yes, but when he rolled away I was left with nothing but wet pants.

"My Jacob" I said quietly to myself as he ran out to greet me infront of the tepee.

"Bella, you came!" He always sounded so excited to see me. It made me feel so popular. Hugging me I felt his kettle steamy skin burn my chest. Hot boobies. "What do you want to do today? Not with your bloodsucker?"

"Its Edward and no, I wanted to see you for a while. We could go on our bikes?"

"Sure Sure"

Pulling the bikes out the back of his shit heap rabbit I stared at his massive muscles. All tanned and defined. Maybe I did want to ram Jacob too, he was damn sexy after all. "You remember how to start it?"

"Yep" I answered climbing on and reving the engine.

"Ill be right behind you" I bet you will you randy dog. I took off and shot down the road, I just managed to make out Emily crying in the woods, over he scars no doubt. Speeding faster and faster I came to a turn. Oh no. What was the break again. Too late. The bike smashed into a rock and I tumbled to the dusty Indian floor. "BELLA!?" Jacob shouted running towards me "I thought you remembered everything!"

"Stop yelling at me Jacob Black. The bikes a pile of turd, like you. I want to go home!" I picked myself up and stormed up the road, I briefly looked behind to see Jacob crying, bent over the bike. He would love me again tomorrow, I was sure of it.

I knew Edward would be waiting at the borderline so I wasn't surprised to see the Volvo there. "Im going to kill that yipping little mutt" He whispered to me, kissing my head.

"Oh no need, he was busy crying. He's probably been squashed by a lorry" I winced then, noticing the pain in my side.

"You're hurt? Come on, Carlisle will fix you up"

On entering the Cullen house Esme came to greet me "Im so pleased to know you Bella" she beamed, her grin was almost scary "Would you like something to eat? Some casserole maybe?"

"That's ok Esme, thanks anyway" Her face looked saddened as she wandered off back to the kitchen. Edward pulled me upstairs and into Carlisle's office. "Ah Bella. Hurt again I see" Carlisle smiled "Could you get my bag for me Edward?" Edward nodded and left the room " I'm so sorry what happened with Jasper this morning. I feel almost ashamed to call him my son"

"He isn't your son Carlisle, you idiot! What a fool you are"

"I know that. It's just a comfort to think it" He sighed "Now to see to your side" His frost bite fingers worked quickly and I was fit as a fiddle in no time. Finishing his work Carlisle looked up and smiled at me, probably feeling like a dumbass for thinking he had children. I wandered down the stairs on my own, finding Edward on the couch next to Rosalie. She looked up briefly and scowled. She was so beautiful I had sometimes considered ditching Edward for her.

"Ready to go home?" Edward asked, taking my hand.

"Yeah, better make Charlie his tea"

Charlie was on the sofa when we got in, watching the tv as usual. Lazy shit, I felt like a slave living here.

"Hey bells" he shouted as I rummaged about grabbing some pans "What's for tea?" Id had it. I wasn't even hungry anyway.

"You can eat some of Billy's old fish. I'm not making anything"

"Oh..okay"


	2. Chapter 2

I threw myself on my bed and pulled the covers over my head "Bella? What's wrong?" Edward asked alarmed.

"You wont shag me" I mumbled.

"Bella, I can't! Ill get too excited and split you in half" He seemed like he wanted to be raged but his voice sounded saddened.

"Can we at least try? Im just so horny! You don't want me to have to resort to Mike Newton do you?"

Edward growled slightly then pulled me towards him.

"You're such a sneaky bitch Bella. If I didn't love you so much i'd hate you and your blood would reek of piss"

"Do you want some blood? If it will get you in the mood.." He looked at me, eyes wide. I didn't wait for an answer. I pulled some scissors out my drawer and cut my toe off. Bloody gushed everywhere. "Suck it Edward, NOW!" His eyes turned black as he dived to my feet, taking my foot in his mouth like a dog. Like Jacob Black. Ram. Deep growls escaped his throat as he lifted his head to look at me.

"This is like Christmas" he beamed, excited "Thank you my love, I can't believe you let me suck on your foot. It takes too damn good!" I smiled gleefully, glad to know I was finally going to have my way with him.

"Come up here" I cooed and he jumped on me, his lips covered in toe blood. "Ew Edward."

"Oh come on Bella, if you're to become a vampire one day you might as well get practice. Suck your toe stump and I promise ill stick my stone sausage in you" I didn't need to think about it twice. I pulled the bloody mess up to my face and sucked greedily. "That is the most sexiest thing ive ever seen" Edward whispered, smile wide.

"I can think of sexier" I teased pulling my top off. "Touch me Edward. I want to feel your hard as roof tile hands on my boobs!!" He groped them while kissing me hungrily, the toe blood spurting out from between us.

"My hard penis is so hard Bella" he crocked into my ear.

"You have a constant boner?" I giggled

"Why yes I do. I must have been having naughty dreams when Carlisle turned me. Its never been floppy since"

"Do me NOW!!" I yelled, not caring if Charlie heard. Edward yanked both out clothes off in a flash and covered my body in his.

"This could hurt" He said quietly.

I don't give a fuck, stick it in!" His great member rammed me up against the wall, I screamed in pleasure and grabbed his perky cold bum. Suddenly my door slammed open.

"Bella!? What's wrong I heard..." Charlie stared in horror at the bloody mess that was Edward and I. Naked and having sex up against the wall.

"GET OUT NOW!!" he yelled at Edward "How dare you!!" Edward hissed and fly out the window naked.

"What the hell do you think you're doing Charlie!?" I yelled, pulling the covers over myself and darting out the bed to stand in front of him. "Im 18, not 10. Do you want me to make your stinking tea, is that it!? HERE IT IS" I bellowed yunging some old left over cereal at his head "Eat that you FUCK". Before he got a chance to answer I ran down the stairs, not caring I only had a cover to hide my dignity, or what was left of it anyway and ran out the door. Edward was hiding in the bushes.

"Im so sorry Bella" he began

"Oh shh, come on, lets go back to the meadow and get it on"


End file.
